This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
