just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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