I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
