I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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