I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
