Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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