I can feel you judging me through the phone.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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