if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
