Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize