I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
