I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
