Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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