Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize