chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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