That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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