u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he was CRYING into my vagina
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
