Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize