Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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