just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize