Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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