sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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