Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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