i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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