The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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