Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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