Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
