Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
