onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
