I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
