You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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