I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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