Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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