My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You took a bar mat shot.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
