There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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