I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
