So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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