I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
