conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Dignity is for republicans.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
