I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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