I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Found the puke drawer
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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