Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
