i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
there's paper in my vomit.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
