Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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