I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
