I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
