I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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