I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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