Someone shit on the floor
babies were throwing up all over the place
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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