You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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