Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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