I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
