I am puke
I'm drive I can fine osifer
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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