Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
