you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
