I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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