Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize