I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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