Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
