On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
