A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
