i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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